Epic Living - Wellbeing Expert, Entrepreneur, Author, Man on A Mission

The Pass

Lyrics for your Friday.

 

The Pass

Proud swagger out of the school yard
Waiting for the world's applause
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause

Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Can't face life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars
Turn around and turn around and turn around
Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Don't turn your back
And slam the door on me

It's not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
It's not as if you're all alone
In wanting to explode

Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?

 

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5 Questions with Dr. Norman Rosenthal, Author of The Gift of Adversity

When I got the email regarding Dr. Norman Rosenthal and his new book, The Gift of Adverstiy: The Unexpected Benefits of Life's Difficulties, Setbacks, and Imperfections, I was intrigued by the title of the book and his story. Dr. Rosenthal's background, and his coming of age in the Apatheid era of South Africa, are powerful introductions to someone who has faced many depths of adversity. As I look back on my own journey I am convinced that adversity is a gift.

I hope you'll be inspired by the following interview I had the pleasure of doing with Dr. Rosenthal:

Your experiences are vast and diverse. What do you want the reader to walk away with after reading the book?

I want the reader to come away with a sense of hope that although adversities are unwanted and sometimes painful and even disabling, whether they are large or small, there are often ways out of those dark places and, most important, lessons to be gained from the journey. Those are the gifts of adversity.

What’s different about people who accept and work thru the gift of adversity?

People who are willing to accept reality are ahead of the game-as opposed to those who deny reality and resort to fantasy. They will assess their situation, reach out for help and support, and find ways to overcome, and learn from, adversity. The book offers many specific guidelines as to how to do so.

In your book, you detail the challenges of growing up in the Apartheid era in South Africa. How did that shape your perspective on seeing adversity as a gift?

Apartheid brought with it a great deal of adversity, especially for the Blacks who labored most under its yoke. Adversity was everywhere in evidence, and I specifically deal with it, for example, by discussing the lives of the servants who worked for my family and the torture experienced by a cousin of mine. But the whites also suffered from the guilt of watching and often taking no action.

What role does arrogance play in a person’s ability to consider or handle adversity?

An arrogant person takes on a position of superiority in relation to others. He is unlikely to learn from mistakes because he doesn't acknowledge his mistakes. Humble people are more likely to learn and grow from adversity. In one chapter I discuss how it is important to learn something from everyone.

Who’s inspiring you right now?

My patients always inspire me by the courage with which they embrace their problems and the creativity with which they work around them to live rich and diverse lives. Kind people inspire me. I see kindness every day, and it warms my heart.

 

In The Gift of Adversity by Dr. Normal Rosenthal, the noted research psychiatrist explores how life's disappointments and difficulties provide us with the lessons we need to become better, bigger, and more resilient human beings. The book is available for purchase on Amazon.com

About Dr. Norman Rosenthal

The New York Times-bestselling author of Transcendence: Healing and Transformation through Transcendental Meditation, Winter Blues and How to Beat Jet Lag, Norman E. Rosenthal, M.D., attended the University of the Witwatersrand in his native South Africa. He moved to the United States and was resident and chief resident at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital and the New York Psychiatric Institute. He has conducted research at the National Institute of Mental Health for over twenty years. It was there that he first described and diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Dr. Rosenthal is a clinical professor of psychiatry at Georgetown Medical School and has maintained a private practice in the Washington, DC metropolitan area for the past thirty years. Rosenthal is the author or co-author of over 200 professional articles and several popular books, including Winter Blues, the classic work on SAD. He currently serves as medical director and CEO of Capital Clinical Research Associates in Rockville, Maryland, where he directs clinical trials in both pharmaceuticals and complementary and alternative medicine.

 

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That 10% Part

From six years gone by, worth another look.

In my last post I outlined the importance of embracing the 90/10 rule.  Today I have something to share from my own experience relating to the 10% part of the rule.  You can definitely apply this to your career and many other areas of life.

My wife and I moved our 8 year-old daughter to a new school back in December.  I won't elaborate on our reasons, but in the end we thought it better for her to be at a different school.  We prayed, we researched and we took action.

It was my thought that my daughter would transition well.  My main reason for thinking this way was her personality (social animal who has never met a stranger) wiring.  I felt she would make friends, rise to the occasion and the rest would be history.

Now here's what I didn't expect: a little girl that desperately wants everyone to like her.  I know those of you out there who are counselors would remind me that I didn't prepare her for the inevitable rejection she would encounter.  Fair enough. 

My main point here is that-smart or dumb-I really didn't expect this challenge.  And I am discovering things about my daughter that I didn't know before.  Fortunately, I have a wife who carries much wisdom and I am being sensitive to my daughter's movement through a big change.

So what if I denied that my daughter was experiencing this?  What if I ignored it?  You know what the results would be.

Here are some specific insights for dealing with the 10%:

• You don't have to like what happens, you just have to tackle it head on (delicately in the case of my daughter).
• Don't expect things to be easy (change is a process, not an event).
• You will make mistakes in your dealing with the 10%.  Just ask my daughter on this one:).
• Sometimes you're gonna be powerless to do anything.  That's OK, you don't have control over everything in life.
• There's a reason the 10% could be considered the land of the crucible.  Fire makes impurities rise to the surface.  We need to get rid of those, and that can be painful.

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Managing Relationships

I like Miles Davis. Whenever I meet someone who likes Miles Davis, I feel an immediate connection. This feels great. Then I meet someone who likes Kenny Chesney.

This post is about managing relationships.

Some people are just different than you and I. They were wired differently for a purpose. A purpose maybe unknown. We have to apply ourselves to give understanding, patience and grace. 

The person who loves Kenny, will probably never like Miles. Trying to change that is a waste of valuable time.

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What Are You Counting On?

What are you counting on? A simple and straightforward question. It reveals more about you and I than meets the mind.

The things we're counting on reveal our identity. 

Maybe you're counting on someone to make you happy. Maybe your counting on that quarterly bonus. Regardless, these things shape our identity without notice. A subtle defining that happens slowly over time. Identity should be formed by the immovable or at a minimum something we're willing to stake the risk on.

Here's a brief list of what I'm counting on:

1. God's love and understanding
2. My wife's commitment
3. My children's love
4. Friendship of a few
5. The beauty of gardens

As you can see from my list, there are some things that could fail me. I don't mind because I'm willing to take the risk. And oh, the heart break that could ensue just the same. I feel alive here.

Don't count on what is fleeting and temporal. Marketing often bugs us to the contrary, but that's just selling something we really don't need.

Gotta resist, gotta resist.

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All or Nothing

(photo courtesy of fitnessblackbook.com)

Typically, when you read the words all or nothing, thoughts of bravado and persistence come to mind. I would agree with that. All or nothing has a clear ring of commitment. Who wouldn't be for that. In my case, the all or nothing thing has been a blessing and a curse. More than a few times in my journey I should have accepted half, instead of holding out for the all. I pray and work diligently to stay on the blessing side for obvious reasons.

The tricky part is found in the riddle life can be. Often our lives are not big moments where we stare down the big obstacle. Most of life is found in the small and the daily. Maybe the film industry has sucked us in. Too many epic stories of heroics and near-calamity events.

When you look around, where are the greatest challenges? I suspect they can be found here:

• Relationships in the personal and business
• Negative thinking
• Deep insecurities
• Fear
• The longing for love

I could add many more to the above list, and certainly, an all or nothing stand might be needed in some of those. However, it's the moments of wrestling with, fighting with and embracing with that are where we need more art.

I'm down with the all or nothing of life. I'm even more down with the daily management of the small things that are really quite big too. If we don't get the small and daily things right, we won't be ready when an all or nothing stand is required.

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What You See In the Valley

My friend Marc sent the above short to me today...it is well worth the 5 minutes  It appears it was made a couple of years ago.  I think about where I was at then.  Trying to make sense of a new way working and living.  Not having the energy anymore to grade people on "style points."  Funny how certain images/places in time stir you.

This short clip was timely, considering my struggle to learn how to live differently-in light of my father's passing. 

I've cried today more than I have in a while.

Here's what crossed my heart and mind as I watched the above video:

1. The last communication I had with my father was a kiss.  No words, just a kiss.
2. It's never a good idea to pretend...be vulnerable.
3. I'm glad God introduced a level of humility to me 3 years ago that I needed desperately.  It softened my heart and allowed me to see with eyes of forgiveness and tenderness-specifically toward my father.
4. I hugged and kissed my son when he got off the bus today.  We've always shared physical affection, but today I needed to plant a seed.
5. I don't know when my heart will mend.
6. Maybe what's inside me has changed the world (thank you, Robin).
7. Even the strong need to allow themselves to be weak.

I have been brief here. 

Everyone Is An Artist

I've made the point before, but everyone is an artist and everyone has an art. This post is about two views of art. One is rooted in arrogance and the other humility.

I find it strange and sobering when I encounter an artist who is arrogant. I can say this because of the days of my own arrogance. Not to mention, my current struggles with the subtleties of arrogance. My struggles are rooted in the arrogance of my own knowledge (often torn down when I learn something new) and the age-old practice of not slowing down. The beauty of this struggle is in not surrendering and to be found fighting.

The big take away for the arrogance view is that it prostitutes the glories of art. When an artist begins to take credit, look down-upon or just ignores, there is a serious problem. If truth be told the artist is very insecure and can't handle the beauty in their hands. Crazier still, the artist usually has someone in their lives to keep things real. Man, is that like a glass of cold water on a hot summer's day. But often the artist will banish those folks, out of fear, the fear of being exposed.

The view of humility is rooted in hope. I know it is for me. A hope that I can become what is pure and lovely. That all my mistakes don't make it too late. That if I embrace humility, I will be given a second chance to create something beautiful. Maybe a few chances, if I just remember the gift and remember what I could have turned into.

Yes, it is difficult to have and hold the view of art that is humility. It surely means you'll cry, your heart will break and the world will laugh at you. Most of the truly great artists have experienced this, often in anonymity. Humility is the surest path to art that will make you happy and make you alive. Anything less, is akin to sleep walking or living-death.

Everyone is an artist.

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No More Taking Things for Granted

 
September 11 is only a couple of days away.  For those living in America (and beyond), it is a sacred day.  As well it should be.

I remember much about that day 10 years ago.  It stll shapes much of my thinking as a context for the life I lead now.  The events left me exposed.  In the sense that I was trying to find my way with the wrong compass. 

I heard the stories of mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters who would never come home again.  I felt sad.  But there I was, taking for granted much in my life.  I was a little lost and wandering what my role (the real one) was to play.  It took some years after 9/11 to get to the following place:

I am no longer in the business of taking things for granted.

At some point events converged and I began to see my life as a whole and not just parts.  And again, it took me time to understand it and live it.  Twists in the road made for much sickness.  It was a process that I worked (still do) and committed to.  I didn't want to be that person who woke one day to find he'd never really lived.

An odd thing occurred last week at a talk I attended.  I was asked what my greatest fear was.  The answer:

Not doing meaningful work, paid or otherwise.

For me it was a gut check on what I believe, what I value and whether I was willing to see my mission through until the end.  I know this post won't bring anyone back or heal a broken heart, but it's worth noting I am no longer in the business of taking things for granted.  Maybe that's the best tribute I can give.

What Time Hasn't Taken

"Love is stronger than death."

    Solomon

I've lived long enough to have lost some things. The list includes people, careers, health, and more. Probably true for you as well. The reality of loss is not an age-related thing, though our culture still sells the BS of loss is for the older crowd.

I value what I've lost.

I hear Joni Mitchell in my head singing "well somethings lost and somethings gained in living everyday." Our best remedy is the art of reflection and being. The consequence of reflecting and being is you can't be so distracted and doing in life. You better get this one down, your life, and its quality, might depend on it.

Hear's what time hasn't taken from me:

Love

In all of life's losses and heartbreaks, love remains. Whether I've fallen, chosen or awakened to, love has remained. That poem at the beginning is true, not even death. How can that be? I've had my moments of wondering, but the truth remains. When love enters you it never leaves. The colors and brush strokes may vary and change, but love never leaves.

It's mysterious and beautiful.

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