Epic Living - Wellbeing Expert, Entrepreneur, Author, Man on A Mission

What Martin Taught Me

 

I feel like I could re-post this everyday, for the obvious and the not-so obvious truth that we need courage.

Back in January, I watched a You Tube clip from 1965 of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It was taken from a segment of Meet the Press. Dr. King was being interviewed by journalists about events that had occurred in Selma, Alabama. The questions were tough and circumstances of the time even tougher.

So what did Martin teach me?

I don't know what was going through Dr. King's mind as he spoke on that Sunday morning news program, but it seemed like he was being carried by something greater than himself. Remember, there were more than a few people who wanted him dead.

Courage is manifested by something greater than ourselves.

Sadly, we live in a time where real courage is often not summoned. We now manufacture events and circumstances to show our faux-courage. We've found a way to manage authentic courage out of our daily lives. Our careers, our parenting, our relationships are often managed to avoid the difficult and daunting.

I find myself thankful for what Martin taught me. The reality that every human being is called to something courageous. It may be small or it may be large. But regardless, we are called.

The question remains, are we listening to that voice?

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That 10% Part

From six years gone by, worth another look.

In my last post I outlined the importance of embracing the 90/10 rule.  Today I have something to share from my own experience relating to the 10% part of the rule.  You can definitely apply this to your career and many other areas of life.

My wife and I moved our 8 year-old daughter to a new school back in December.  I won't elaborate on our reasons, but in the end we thought it better for her to be at a different school.  We prayed, we researched and we took action.

It was my thought that my daughter would transition well.  My main reason for thinking this way was her personality (social animal who has never met a stranger) wiring.  I felt she would make friends, rise to the occasion and the rest would be history.

Now here's what I didn't expect: a little girl that desperately wants everyone to like her.  I know those of you out there who are counselors would remind me that I didn't prepare her for the inevitable rejection she would encounter.  Fair enough. 

My main point here is that-smart or dumb-I really didn't expect this challenge.  And I am discovering things about my daughter that I didn't know before.  Fortunately, I have a wife who carries much wisdom and I am being sensitive to my daughter's movement through a big change.

So what if I denied that my daughter was experiencing this?  What if I ignored it?  You know what the results would be.

Here are some specific insights for dealing with the 10%:

• You don't have to like what happens, you just have to tackle it head on (delicately in the case of my daughter).
• Don't expect things to be easy (change is a process, not an event).
• You will make mistakes in your dealing with the 10%.  Just ask my daughter on this one:).
• Sometimes you're gonna be powerless to do anything.  That's OK, you don't have control over everything in life.
• There's a reason the 10% could be considered the land of the crucible.  Fire makes impurities rise to the surface.  We need to get rid of those, and that can be painful.

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What's Wrong with the Status Quo?

One of our greatest enemies, from a 2012 post.

So what's wrong with the status quo? A lot, when it comes to problems that continue to get worse.

For the purposes of getting to the heart of things, here's the definition of "status quo" from the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary:

The existing state of affairs (seeks to preserve the status quo)

I'll use my own experience to set some context and you can apply my example to anything you like.

About 25 years ago I persecuted my dad in-person and alone. I was angry for what was done and for what was missing. I waged this case on what seemed like a daily basis. I protested, I lied, I ignored, and I was silently cruel.

At a point, a few years into my marriage, my wife asked me if I realized how distant and cruel I became when I was around my father. I denied it, I defended myself and I felt exposed. How could she know my secret, my wound, my war? I decided to prosecute on.

The existing state of affairs (seeks to preserve the status quo)

You might wonder why I wouldn't make the choice to change, to turn it around, to forgive. I'm sure there are multiple reasons why, but certainly I felt more comfortable in the prosecution's case. I fooled myself into believing that my existing state would deliver an outcome I thought was right. Little did I know how wrong I was.

Many years on, my case rested and the charges were dismissed. I forgave and got a few years of peace and freedom before he passed. I actually found a man I liked and certainly loved. I do, at times, wish I would have come to my senses or figured out that it Really is better to forgive.

Are you tracking with me? Can you see the danger in sticking with the status quo?

Think about this:

1. The status quo fools you into believing that all is well, regardless of the problems looking right at you.
2. The status quo demands you lie and defend.
3. The status quo assures you saftey and a future you won't have to deal with.
4. The status quo accuses (loudly) reformers of betrayal and madness.
5. The status quo uses fear to keep you in place.

Building and Managing Trust

In one of the new ventures I'm working on, I've been brought on to help on multiple fronts. The company is a startup and that implies variety. The biggest job for me, however, is building and managing trust.

I never take this for granted. You shouldn't forget this either.

Building trust comes from a desire to show that you're worth trusting. It can be manifested in your words, but as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. If you have a relationship with a smart, actively engaged person, then you should expect that your words and actions will be observed for the purposes of building trust. I highly recommend you pay as much attention as possible here because more than likely the person observing you has been burned before.

Everyone been burned before.

Managing trust is the art of gratitude toward the one who has given the trust. When trust is given don't feel like you've arrived and begin to think autopilot is the order of the day. Complacency is sure way to lose everything you've built. I practice on purpose management. For example, what actions am I taking today that enhance or hinder. Ask these questions everyday.

Think of building and managing trust as a form of gardening. Build something beautiful and then keep the weeds out.

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Knowing Your Limits

This post is from back in 2008. We'll need this in the future to come.

The above insignia is for the U.S. Navy Seals.  I didn't realize how significant the symbol was until I talked to Erik, whose brother is a Navy Seal. 

Erik and I didn't talk much about war or fighting, but we did talk about knowing your limits.

The Seals go through very difficult training in the pursuit of becoming elite.  A part of that training is discovering your limits.  My understanding is when a Seal discovers their limits they are better prepared for the extreme situations inevitable in their job.  Some say enlightenment arrives as well with a discovery of one's limits.  I would agree.

So how about you? Have you discovered, and do you know your limits? 

In years past I didn't want to know.  I thought knowing my limits would bring me too close to the "brink."  So many times I chose the expedient and practical  The brink is good for you though.  I say this, knowing how painful it can be.  No one signs up for it (except maybe the Navy Seals) and many times we just want a break.

Here are some ideas around discovering and knowing your limits:

• When the storms (business drop-off, health issues, job loss, relationship troubles) come, stop.  You're heading into a time of discovering your limits.  Ironically, the choice is yours as to the staying and fighting.  You could choose an easy route to escape, and many do.
• Focus on what is being produced inside of you.  This is a future-forward perspective.  In other words, a seed is planted, but you don't see the fruit for some time to come.  You have to believe.
• Prepare for people to desert you.  It's not personal, but it is true.  Limits are markers for what many people see as dangerous, frightening or pure madness.  When you find someone willing to stick with you during your discovery and knowing, you've found someone you can count on. 
• Don't get bitter or resentful over anything.
• Don't be too hard on yourself when the mistakes are made.  Mistakes are a part of the process.

The Navy Seals are an elite group of people.  They've set a good example of what we all should be willing to do in our career, relationships, health and dreams.

Discover and know your limits.

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Education Revolution From Sir Ken Robinson

This post is from a few years back and just as relevant. Thanks goes out to my friend Andy for prompting me.

There is no doubt in my mind that Sir Ken Robinson get's "it" when it pertains to our education system.  He does an excellent job in the below speech exposing many lies.  Tough road ahead for change.

 

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We Don't Need Anymore Actors

I'm doing more and more everyday to keep things real with everyone I encounter. This is significant because I'm a recovering actor. 

We don't need anymore actors.

Keeping things real now is not such a chore for me now. Occasionally, I'll have an adviser alert me if my writing or speaking is sounding too "corportese" or "suit-like." Nothing against the corporate soldiers, it's just people have enough of that coming at them already.

Maybe it's just too terrifying for some to be who they are. Like the child at recess who feels awkward about asking to join in the game, due to the rejection of the herd previously. Or the adult sitting in the team meeting feeling embarrassed because their boss personally made them an example of what is frowned upon. If I had the ability, I would be right by their sides telling them:

"It's not you! There's nothing wrong with you."

The difficulty in keeping things real is becoming almost epidemic in my country. I mean, let's face it, many worship actors, entertainers, showmen, and celebrities. The lines of what is real and what is not have been blurred. I can understand why you might find it difficult to be who you really are.

The following is a question that came to me about 10 years ago. It stopped me cold when it landed in my ears, went to my mind and settled in my heart:

"Eric, are you really Eric or are you a representative of him?"

We don't need anymore actors. The problems we face, and will face, tell me we're going to need those who are real. People who are humble, wise and unafraid. The actors are only thinking of themselves. Believe me I know from personal experience. They really are not interested in you, just what is yours.

If you find yourself in the actor's camp today, you can look at me as an example of how one person can change. It's worth it. 

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5 Questions with Dr. Mark Goulston and Dr. John Ullmen, Authors of Real Influence

    
Had the pleasure of connecting with Dr. Mark Goulston and Dr. John Ullmen, authors of Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In about their new book and more. Some really great insights from two great thought leaders. Enjoy!

The book is ripe with practical ideas, could you unwrap the concept of "their there" and why it's important in the arena of influence?
MG: "Your here" is your agenda and in this distrustful world everyone expects people to have one and so everyone either has their guard up or is primed to put their guard up at the first sign of you trying to foist your agenda on them. 

JU: Focusing and remaining focused on "their there" or where the other person is coming from and helping them to see and get to where they want to go and way beyond that, where they could go is one of the keys to real influence. In fact, the most influential people from our lives were influential because they saw a potential in us that we couldn't see.

We here in the U.S. live in a very self-focused culture. What are some ways to transcend this state?
MG: Think of someone and what they did who stood up for you when you couldn't and/or stood by you in a crisis and refused to let you fail and/or stood up to you in private and pushed you to do something you didn't think you could or stopped you from doing something foolish that would have hurt you or your reputation. 

JU: Good point Mark.  What was that person's effect on you? Probably amazing.  What would be the best way to honor them? Probably by doing onto others what they did onto you.  What would be the effect on people around you? Probably the same as that special person's effect was on you... huge. Plus you might even like yourself or be proud of yourself more.

What will the solo/individual contributor find most practical in the book?
JU: The solo/individual will find a 4 step way to truly win friends and influence everyone, that works 100 % of the time if you apply it.

How does listening help our efforts to influence?
JU: Ask yourself, "When was the last time I felt someone: got my situation (I mean really got my situation); got me in my situation (my fears, dread, dreams and possibilities) and got not just where I wanted to be, but where I could be that would be profitable, successful, meaningful and fulfilling. " We're guessing, "Doesn't happen to often."  That is the power of listening to influence someone.

Could someone apply the concepts found in the book to their personal lives?
MG: In a word... absolutely.  Just think of the people who helped you become the best you could be and who will be among the top handful of people you are most grateful to at the end of your life.  What if you became that to the people in your personal life? Imagine the possibilities.

 

About The Authors MARK GOULSTON, M.D., is a business psychiatrist, consultant, Chairman and Cofounder of Heartfelt Leadership, and the  author of the bestselling Just Listen and Get Out Of Your Own Way.  He also writes a Tribune syndicated career column; blogs for Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; and is featured frequently in major media, including the Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News. He lives in Los Angeles.  JOHN ULLMEN, Ph.D., is an acclaimed executive coach whose clients include dozens of leading international firms.  He oversees MotivationRules.com, conducts popular feedback-based seminars on influence in organizations, and teaches at the UCLA Anderson School of Management.  He lives in Los Angeles.

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Who Would Follow You, the Leader?

Celebrating the best of the Epic Living Blog, 2012. Enjoy!

I've been thinking a lot these last few weeks about what's the best measurement of quality leadership-in the business world and out. There's so much flowing out there about defining quality leadership, it can be a bit overwhelming. Did I mention burdensome?

I will attempt to set a context you can use to measure leadership in a way that you can pull out in virtually any situation. Maybe it's a question you ask a prospective manager or the HR recruiter who wants to know if you have any further questions.

The question comes down to this; "who follows you even though they don't have to?"

The answer to the above question is so important because anyone can follow when there is a stick and carrot involved. But what about when you're not in charge or some other circumstance changes the order of things? Every time I've met someone who has followed a leader without the force of position, I've encountered someone whose life has been impacted. Impacted in way that you can feel deep in your gut as the observer. Sort of like being in the audience when a great singer sings "that" song.

This all should make us remember that how we influence people (every day) is what builds true followers. And if we do it right, they will stay.

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5 Questions with John Baldoni, Author of The Leader's Pocket Guide

Great Quotes on Great Leadership

5 Questions with John Baldoni, Author of The Leader's Pocket Guide

                

I had the pleasure of doing this interview with leadership expert, John Baldoni, who is the author of the new book The Leader's Pocket Guide a few weeks ago. I've always admired his wisdom and energy. Enjoy!

In your book you note the importance of what people think, but in a way that builds a solid reputation. What’s at stake in doing this?

Thinking is good because it points us in the right direction. But when it comes to leadership, action counts. Leaders put their thinking into gear when they lead by example.

How important is critical thinking to the growth of a leader?

Leaders must often choose between two good alternatives. Critical thinking teaches leaders how to balance alternatives as well as to put things into context.

What role does hubris or arrogance play in hindering a leader from impacting their organization in a positive way?

Hubris, a Greek word, is the condition by which a leader is blind to his or her faults and often leads to living in a bubble, surrounded by yes people. This is never a good thing.

One of the last tips in the book mentions the importance of finding interests outside of work. What keeps leaders from doing this?

Time. time. time... Anyone in a leadership position needs to recharge themselves. A hobby, a trip or close associations with family and friends can do this.

In your mind, what organizations are doing the best job of developing and growing leaders?

Rather than focus on names of companies I focus on the many capable leaders in organizations large and small who are making a positive difference in the lives of their customers, employees and customers. They are legion.

 

JOHN BALDONI, president of Baldoni Consulting LLC, is an internationally recognized executive coach, speaker, and author. In 2011, Leadership Gurus International ranked John No. 11 on its list of the world’s top 30 leadership experts. He is a regular online contributor to CBS MoneyWatch, Inc, and Harvard Business Review.

 

 

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